Journey With Me

I should be ecstatic. Absolutely thrilled beyond words. Sadly, I’m not.

First: I found out Jillian Michaels was gay. I was totally stunned. Honestly, when I read a blurb online this afternoon about her adoption of two children I expected to hear about her totally hot, muscle-chiseled husband named “Joe”. Nope. The article mentions her partner, Heidi. Tell me: how the heck did I miss THAT little news flash?

Tomorrow I’ll find out Trainer Bob’s really straight. :\

Second: I have blabbed all week about the retreat at Spring Hill, what a wonderful time I had, sported my red lobster self around the office, collected names of those who will be on the “Traci Forced Me To” list for next year, showed pictures. And yesterday I blew my cork over an issue that has been an issue for longer than I have been employed at the company I’m employed at (get all that redundancy?). Still I gave way to several F-Bombs, a few poop bombs, and a snarky comment (followed by a flit-of-the-hand) to one of the VP’s.

He gave me a free microwave. :\

My pants are too big again. I bought new slacks to wear for work (the khaki ones caused quite a few stares). They’re marked “L” for long, but they really need to be about an inch longer. I could let out the hem, but I’m afraid it’s going to be months before that seam works itself out of the fabric. Plus, they’re dust collectors. Oh. Em. Gee. By the end of the day I look like I hugged four cats and the neighbor’s lab-a-dabba-doodle. My jeans get bunchy up top because they’re probably two inches too big. Wearing a belt is completely stupid because “it” fits around me, and jeans still do their own thing. So I did what any other American girl in recovery who’s dealt with massive short-term weight loss and struggled with compulsive behavior would do:

I grabbed my wallet and opened a browser.

Should one just sort of exclude the shiny, blinky object which has been in my possession all week, I did purchase jeans (Kohl’s had them online, just not on the shelf in the store). When I initially tried them on, it was…um….quite the dance. If the harness pictures from Spring Hill weren’t a clue, let me just say I do have extra skin in front that on any given day stays hidden quite well. Yet, these jeans which I was able to get buttoned gave me quite the muffin-top (the person who created that word is, in my humble opinion, a jack-butt).

My solution was to try and shove it all into the jeans. Seriously. Can you iMaGiNe??

They got thrown across the room and stayed buried under a pillow for while. I dug them out this afternoon.

Unless you’ve personally experienced what it is like to be severely, morbidly obese (I think I was a category three), you just don’t get it. I spent years, years – over TWO decades – struggling to find clothing which fit properly. Eventually I landed in tent-like shirt and floppy pants. I was miserable, absolutely loathed shopping. I think I mentioned it on this blog before, but just prior to my weight loss surgery (which later was followed by my paying some guy to run me around a gym for hours on end) I had stopped buying clothes in stores because I became completely embarrassed over how I looked and purchased them online.

Now I am a different person (quite literally) and frankly, I want to cry:

By the way – those are the jeans.

I learned something about myself during the retreat: weight loss does nothing for you spiritually. I shared this with our group: I have a ton of head knowledge. I know Scripture, I love to study Scripture. I could point out all the verses about sin, or how God loves, or how Jesus lives, or how since the beginning of time God longed for one thing: an uninterrupted relationship with all of us. What I could not do is tell you how much God loves me. There’s some disconnect between that beautiful book I own with hundreds of my own notes scribbled in the margins (and between verses) and my heart. It’s not the question of whether or not I’m saved. I have asked Christ into my life, I have prayed for His forgiveness, and I know grace. Not just merely saw grace, but I know it firsthand in my life.

But the whole subject of how much God loves me, how He sees me – I can’t quite wrap my head around it. Yes, I know we’re not “meant” to wrap our heads around such a grand-sized thought. But there is something about unconditional, unwavering, unmetered love I have not experienced. I don’t know love like I know grace.

I bet if I put as much effort into what it is to know the love of God as I put forth the effort of working out, then I would truly know. I would know the height, the depths, the width and the breadths God’s love is for me.

What happens when 550 women from Metro Detroit gather for a weekend? Lot’s of laughter, tears, laughter, new friends, laughter.

Did I mention laughter?

Kensington’s Women’s Retreat took place this past weekend three hours away at Spring Hill Camp in Evart. I have attended many women’s retreats over the years and had memorable times. smash48 was by far the best retreat…ever! I can’t remember the last time I laughed so much, it’s been years!

My travel-pals and I talked non-stop to and from Spring Hill (that’s like…six hours of conversation!). My cabin mates were a blessing to the heart. They were also very encouraging when I freaked out on the zip line ledge and had to be peeled off. I got to enjoy the beginning of new relationships: Becky – who moved up to the area from Florida with her husband back in November. She’s got a great built-in tan, conquered her fear of heights (I shall live vicariously through her), has a tanakh (it’s a cannon of the Hebrew Bible), loves to text (no, really…LOVES to text), has no problem sharing her opinion (can you gals imagine her and Ivy together?), and is a fairly decent navigator. Kim – who’s lives on the East side with her husband, is just a delight. She loves the Lord, loves her husband, loves Kensington. Kim and Brian have been at Kensington a long time. I learned she hadn’t been able to plug into a small group, so we’re going to suck her in. It’ll be great. They’ll just love her like they have loved me.

Lisa is just hysterical. She tells the funniest stories, the kind that’ll make you double over in laughter. Lisa detests toads, has lived abroad, can speak another language, adores her husband, has a very attractive (hot) son, and loves our small group. She’s told me that several times. Friday night at the first session we sat next to each other. At the end of the teaching while Ann prayed we were trying to stifle giggles, which turned into loud laughter as soon as the opportunity presented itself. Lisa said there was something contagious about my laughter. I officially plead the 5th. Elspeth threatened to separate her and another gal Saturday night for uncontrollable giggles. Oh, Lisa also snorts.

Michelle. Sweet Michelle. She’s a single mom of an adorable little girl, used to live in Orange, looks fabulous in 80′s garb, and has a wonderful story. God has been doing His work in Michelle’s life, and she is discovering Who He is on this journey of hers. I had the opportunity to have dinner with her Saturday night. She left  mark, and it is going to be an honor to get to know her better. God has a special place in His heart for single moms. My best friend is one.

I have lots of take-aways from the retreat. These are just a few.

More to come later.

This is an open invitation to reply. Some rules:

1. No one worded answers. Explain your choice(s).

2. The obvious is excluded (we’re all going to meet Jesus, no matter what).

3. Oh, no swearing!

4. Your answer does not have to be strictly someone from the Bible.

________________________

Most of the people on my list are from the Bible.

I’d like to meet Lot – merely to ask him what the heck  was he thinking. Noah – the public ridicule he must have faced while he carried out the task God gave him. Abraham – the amount of faith one must have to surrender everything, including their child, to God…well, there are no words. King David – he knew what it was to be betrayed, alone, fearful. He experienced the lowest of lows hiding in the depths of caves with six hundred men, and experienced the high of highs as King over Israel. David penned the most beautiful words found in the Bible, worship songs to God. He conquered a giant. He was a man of war, an adulterer, a murderer. And the Bible says he was a man after God’s own heart.

Try as I might, I cannot picture what that looks like. Some may think, “Well, King David did this and that, etc.” But really, it wasn’t what he did. It was that which God saw within David: his heart. As someone who’s often remembered for what she did in not-so-flattering ways, I can only hope that some mere shred of my being would cause God to say, “Traci was a woman after My own heart”.

That would be a legacy to leave behind.

“Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding” (Prov. 3:5).

Trusting God is difficult.  It really is.  He doesn’t always seem to make sense.  He told Noah to build an ARK:  “Noah, this is God.  I want you to build a boat…a really…big…boat.”  There’s Abraham:  “Take your son, your only son Isaac, whom you love, and go to the region of Moriah.  Sacrifice him there as a burnt offering on one of the mountains I will tell you about” (Gen. 22).  God told Moses to face Pharaoh…mind you Moses grew up in Pharaoh’s house, killed a servant of Pharaoh’s and fled the scene.  So God tells a murdering runaway to come back and lead His people to freedom.

There are more stories.  But the bottom line is they trusted God.

I can’t even trust God to cover my paycheck most days.

Some definitions attached to the word “trust”:  reliance on the integrity, strength, ability, surety of a person or thing; confident expectation of something (hope); a person on whom or thing on which one relies; the obligation or responsibility imposed on a person in whom confidence or authority  is placed; charge, custody or care…  Strong’s concordance has a few definitions, some of which include:  faith; to have confidence (in), be confident to be bold to be secure; make secure, to feel safe.

Trusting God means to totally surrender one’s will…all of their ideas, their desires…even their future and allow them to be placed into God’s hands.  This is a difficult act for most people to do, and it become even more difficult if a person’s view of God is distorted in any way.  However, if I were to take the idea of trusting God as an opportunity to be secure, to feel safe in where I’m at.  Well, maybe…just maybe…trust has an entirely new meaning.

Trusting in the Lord is the opposite of doubting God.  Leaning on my own understanding will lead me to make many mistakes (I have made them…and I do today).  Leaning on my own understanding will cause me to miss God completely.  Proverbs says, “Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding.  In all your ways acknowledge Him, and He will make your paths straight.  Do not be wise in your own eyes; fear the Lord and turn away from evil.  it will be healing to your body, and refreshment to your bones” (Prov. 3:5-8).

God really wants to bless you and I.  To trust in Him means to literally lean on Him.  Come hell or high water, no matter what the circumstances, we have to trust God.  He wants to bless us.  He’ll bring honor where there used to be shame.  His name is a strong tower.  The righteous run into that tower…

…and they are saved.

And those who know Your name put their trust in You, for You, O Lord, have not forsaken those who seek you. – Psalm 9:10

…steadfast love surrounds the one who trusts in the Lord. – Psalm 32:10

It is better to take refuge in the Lord than to trust man. – Psalm 118

Those who trust in the Lord are like Mount Zion, which cannot be moved… – Psalm 125:1

The fear of man lays a snare, but whoever trusts in the Lord is safe. – Proverbs 29:25

Behold, God is my salvation; I will trust, and will not be afraid; for the Lord is my strength and my song, and He has become my salvation. – Isaiah 12:1-2

Trust in the Lord forever, for the Lord God is an everlasting rock.  – Isaiah 26:4

I’m sucking on a gummy penguin. I found them yesterday in the checkout lane at Trader Joe’s, which was the only thing that distracted me from watching the hot cashier scan my friend’s flowers. I’m not really sure if I like them or not (the gummy’s, not the flowers), nevertheless I continue to stick my fingers in the bag. The penguins have squishy bellies.

So, it’s been about a year since I had my surgery. Some call it a surgiversary, I did at one point. Then I realized I’ve had an appendectomy, bilateral shoulder surgeries, knee scoped, carpel tunnel release, my gallbladder removed, lower extremity AND abdominal wall cellulitis and MRSA. Though I’m frequently reminded of these medical phenoms, I don’t celebrate them (serioulsy…could you imagine getting an invitation in the mail: “Come to my MRSA Survival Party”???).

Everything has changed.

No longer am I medically considered obese. Last week I checked the BMI chart and it said I was moderately overweight. After spending 20 plus years as super morbidly obese (almost sounds like a super hero. Not.), I was thrilled to death to finally be able to post that. Though my online pal (Nikki) says the charts are bunk (“Shaq is considered obese by those charts!”), it was like a milestone. Well, another one at any rate.

Does one ever run out of mile stones?

I initially set my weight loss goal for a loss of 200 pounds. It’s still a possibility, though some speculate I’d look like Skelator vying for first place at the potato sack dress party. As of this silly blog post I’ve lost 140 pounds (by my scale at home, it’s the one I frequent most). I think I’ve lost 3-4 feet in total inches. Don’t burn that into a log yet, I’m not 100% certain in the figure. However, the last time I had measurements I had lost almost two feet off the largest area on my person, so I’m fairly confident in my guess (sounds like an oxymoron). I do not idolize the scale. If it moves it moves, if it doesn’t it doesn’t. The before and after pictures I have say everything.

My blood pressure is below normal. I think I’ve stopped snoring, but I reserve the right to confirm this until I’m on vacation. I still have sleeping problems which require the assistance of Ambien (which has resulted in some strange amnesia eating, phone calls, text messages and Facebooking. This seem to be all the side effects I experience. I’m pretty fortunte…have you read the possibilities???). I’ve exhausted the clothing budget on more than one occasion (yeah. Right. What clothing budget? Seems like every time I put on a new pair of underwear in the morning they fall off that afternoon).

I hate the extra skin under my arms. Hate. Hate. Hate. I wear a lot of t-shirts, which keep the bat wings covered. But I have been wearing tank tops at the gym for some time now, and God help me. Mark, my trainer, will stand in front of me if we’re near a mirror at the gym because I pick at myself like a vulture gnaws over a carcass. Say what you will, but honestly – unless you’ve spent a considerable amount of time as a fat person, you won’t get it. I know plastic surgery is in my future. I’ll get the wings clipped, the girls lifted, and the tummy tucked. Out of all of it, the arms bug me the most. Maybe it’s because I really want them to be as cute as my legs (LOVE my legs!).

My diet is fairly normal and I enjoy a variety of foods, just in moderation. I love a strong coffee (Starbucks and Caribou are my favorite places to go. I recently discovered a Sugar Free Carmel Frappe. Proof there is a heaven!). There’s a soft spot for Goldfish crackers (oi-vey!) and mint chocolate chip ice cream (Edy’s Slow Churn). I really can’t do bread, it just sits there for-ev-er. I found that out by nibbling on a bagel one Thursday morning. Full for the whole day. I’m a snack monster. I love Greek yogurt mixed with Kashi Go Lean Crunch! Really, it’s the crunchy-ness. Sugar snap peas, fresh green beans, seedless red grapes are always in my fridge.

I have spent a LOT of time at the gym. I love spin class, even though the past few weeks wouldn’t suggest that (been feeling kind of crappy with the weather changes and sleep problems. Blah.). I also love the elliptical. I dig working out with my trainer. The surgery helped me get a handle on my diet, but exercise has been key. For the first three months I didn’t do anything, then my doctor got on my case about moving more. So, to appease him, I shuffled some things around and hired a trainer. OMG. I had no idea the changes would be so dramatic. Mark has been awesome. Patient. Pushy. Rewarding. So much of my weight loss success has been solely attributed to his working with me. I’m happy as a clam.

With a mean right hook.

I’m really grateful God opened up the opportunity a year ago for me to get this new chapter of my life started. It really did save my life.

This is the most recent picture. Pardon the quality. I’m slated to have some pictures taken (and a new tattoo!) when I go to San Diego. Until then, this will have to do.

It’s a bit of a bummer. Mostly because I psyched myself up so much for the Oak Apple Run 10k the beginning of June. However, my knees couldn’t handle the impact when I tried to run (emphasis on try). I was miserable even after the cortisone injections. So my options were to either continue with the running and kick myself out of the gym for a week (or longer) to recoup, or stick to the no/low impact workouts – I opted to stick to the no/low impact workouts.

I don’t think I failed. I have accomplished so much! I’m doing things I wasn’t able to do as a super morbidly obese person. Speaking of which, you may have notice my post on my Facebook wall: according to the BMI chart I’m considered “moderatly overweight”. Nikki told me a couple of weeks ago to not put any stock into the BMI chart, “The Rock is considered obese by that chart!”. Point taken. But…it’s sure nice to be out of that bucket.

Now what?

A week ago this past Friday I was promoted to Staff Accountant. Doug’s all excited. Every time we talk about my taking on more tasks his eyes get this funny look, like he just won the lottery. I will get to work on financials, which is totally cool (and a tad bit intimidating). Since this is considered a middle-management position (at least with our company) I am now a salaried employee, which means a new budget because salaried employees are paid every other week. BUT-no more time clock (SCORE!). I also get an assistant (OMGOMGOMGOMG!). The owner is placing an ad in the paper this weekend. Lord willing we’ll have someone decent hired and I’ll have them trained by the time my vacation comes.

Speaking of which…I’m DYING counting the days. I can’t wait to hug my friends. They’re all going to flip out!!

I picked up a devotional at Family Christian Stores. I really like it.

The Kensington women’s retreat is next month, the weekend of the 18th, at Spring Hill. I’m totally excited. Lisa and I are going to pal up and do the zip line. Knowing my luck I’ll get stuck halfway across because I’ll burst into a fit of laughter. I had such a wonderful time at last years retreat, God did some amazing stuff and I met some great women.

My pillows calleth.

Toodles.

I’d love to have a conversation over a cup of coffee with Sarah Palin about managed health care. I’m so mad!

Every week my HSA contribution, medical, dental, vision, and long term disability items are deducted from my check. It comes to be a little over $75.00, roughly $3,900.00 per year. My health insurance is a PPO with a high deductible of $2,000.00. Once that deductible is met, then the insurance will pick up the tab. Seeing as how my health is pretty good right now, and barring any unforeseen circumstance (i.e. black plague, hurricane in Detroit) I doubt I’ll be meeting the deductible. My therapist put it like this: I get to shell out $75.00 a week to basically not have insurance coverage.

Outstanding.

Our insurance plan runs on a fiscal year. May 1st through April 30th (you can see where this is going). I met my deductible last year when I had my surgery. I have a few weeks to squeeze in whatever I can before I have to pay out of pocket. This includes the stuff going on with my knees. I’ve had problems with my knees for years. And for the past three years have seen someone for them. I’m trying to be a bit proactive right now, hence the cortisone injections this week (and possible Suparts injections in the weeks/months to come). My ortho also prescribed Celebrex (now before all of you post ops freak out, he and I talked at length about this. Short term, I shouldn’t have any GI problems. And my desire to be pain free overrides the possible side effects.). He sent me home with some samples because my insurance company requires a pre-authorization to fill the prescription.

Seriously. Really?

The pharmacist was drilling me on what was it prescribed for, has anything else been prescribed for the problem, what were those items. After the interrogation I was informed they’d have to call the doctor, who has to call the insurance company, who gets to decide whether or not I am to be permitted to have the Celebrex – which will hep with the knees until the cortisone wears off and I seek out Suparts. Side note: the last cortisone injection I had was in November, just the right knee. That didn’t last long.

I was totally annoyed. So I asked the pharmacist what the prescription would cost if I paid cash. $175.00. For a month. True story. I looked the pharmacy tech and said, “Let me get this straight. I can be prescribed Vicodin like it’s candy…but not Celebrex?” She said, “Yep.”

Bull. Crap.

A blip about the past 10ish or so months:

• According to my scale at home, which has not yet been thrown through a window, I’ve lost 133 pounds.
• I’ve lost 1.5 shoe sizes (I have a steel bucket on the porch which holds a small collection of unwearable sneakers).
• My bath towels, which are all beach towels, used to not wrap around me. I had to strategically place them so the gap didn’t reveal anything publicly. Now they wrap around me almost twice!
• Last year at this time I wore a 4XL/Tall shirt, 3XL-4XL stretchy pants, 32″ in slacks (those were tight). I had been purchasing clothes online through plus-sized companies (beyond the “Lane Bryant”). Now…um…I happily can wear a large from the women’s department at Old Navy. I’ve been parading around at home in an Old Navy tank top and my flannel pj bottoms (I still dig men’s pj bottoms) – I keep checking myself in the mirror, like the big ol’ gut is going to return or something.
• Once I was as round as a professional hockey stick is long…I can prove this.
• Running stairs was virtually impossible. Now my trainer has me doing 2.5/3 foot step ups. I do use the wall for leverage lest I fall off said step.
• I have one helluva right upper-cut. I’ll show you.
• I signed up for a 10k in June. Amy C said she’d do it too. Later she said she signed her boyfriend up as well. They’re running the Boston Marathon this month. I…uh…am working on running three minutes without passing out. Obviously, I am greatly humbled. I have also concluded I had to have been completely high when I decided to do this.
• Oh – pants – from a 32 (I suspect it was higher) to a 14/16. I also have two belts that I have cut almost a foot (a piece) off of.
• Exchanged cable for a trainer.
• Can eat ice cream again (God help me).
• Average 17-22 miles in spin class three days a week. A year ago…I couldn’t even stand up on the pedals.
• I like the elliptical. Sick, huh?
• My confidence level has increased a tad.

Had an appointment with the weight loss doctor today. When I arrived at the office, the gals at the front desk showered me with compliments. Then I saw Stacy, who’s my doctor’s nurse. She gave me a big hug. Right before I saw Dr. Doyle, I got to chat with Nanette (his nutritionist) – who gave me a great suggestion for ice cream! Dryers Slow-Churn Mini’s.

Squirrel!

Dr. Doyle updated everything and was really pleased with my progress. He said I was “above average” with my weight loss. I told him I signed up to do a 10K in June. He was fairly excited about that. He runs marathons! In two months I went from 4-5 visits a week to the gym and doing a little cardio to 6 days a week and cross training! Yay me. No, seriously. Yay me. You realize a year ago I had my ass welded to a chair in the corner of my office channel surfing while gorging myself on Moose Tracks?

I’m just tickled to pieces.